another blah day starting off kind of rough. the husband went for a run this morning early and i tried to sleep in. apparently getting up at 5am has wired me to wake up at that time, so i laid in bed for 50 minutes and i think (?) fell asleep again right before the alarm went off. argh. i think i was having a dream about my father in law doing something arbitrary and random and me being soo annoyed by it. huh maybe i really do need to work on my stress levels.
i have a hard time with the slow lulls between big things. all the days blur together and seem entirely pointless and stupid. the weeks blur together and they are just a wash of lame, repetitive sameness, grey and flat. i think i am more comfortable with crisis and despair and existential dread. at least then my days are infused with energy, albeit not a good kind, but something lively all the same. i don’t know how to find things that i enjoy. how to find meaning and excitement in the everyday hum drum boringness of being an adult. i am just sitting here, thinking about what to write about, and staring out the snowy window thinking ughh another boring day ughh Christmas is coming and it might as well not since we’re not celebrating and ughh my body hurts and my soul is weary of this sameness. this lackluster life. what the fuck.
am i the only person that feels so bored and annihilated by terror and meaninglessness on a daily basis? it really gets in the way of pursuing life goals, you know, when i just don’t care about any of it. and you’d think i could convince myself to care, and get excited about some things but i just revert back to my baseline blah-ness the very next instant. i don’t know if it’s the winter, or COVID, or losing my job, or none of that. this is my sole memory of what it’s like to exist, to be human, all the days, at all the times of the year, regardless of circumstance. so maybe this is just me? that’s not a very reassuring conclusion to draw. i don’t want to have to accept that this is going to continue until i die. that’s unbearable. but i do hope i can find something brighter and more enticing soon. i hope the blah-ness of Tuesday fades into the blinding brilliance of Wednesday and the dazzling joy of Thursday and the magical whirlwind of Friday. imagine that…
findeaseinrisk.com 