feel like i am hanging on by a thread. have been drinking waaaay too much coffee lately, even tho i know i shouldn’t, i can’t help myself. i’m gearing up to quit my job and all of a sudden it’s like i am so impatient i can barely even wait the few more days until i turn in my resignation. i am tired, i am tired of being so chronically stressed out and feeling so utterly human and small and inconsequential and exquisitely sensitive and annoyingly mundane. why didn’t anyone ever tell me that being human is hard and feelings are really big and relentless and lots of times i won’t feel like doing whatever it is i need to do next and yet, i’ll just have to keep soldiering on because that is how it goes? sigh.
i keep thinking of this quote i heard a while back, that i know is true and yet fucking wish it weren’t. “it’s OK to miss someone and not want them back in your life.” really? why is that? how is it possible to feel two contradictory things at once? yes i miss this and yes i know i never want it back, yes it was painful and damaging and fucked up but there is also a fondness there, a soft spot. i guess it’s grief, even as i think i am not allowed to be pained by certain losses if i am better off without it. why do i feel nostalgia for a time in my life that was pretty much nothing but desperation and despair? why do i miss that comfortable familiar pain and reject this new unnameable foreign pain? why do i always think it was better back then… or it will be better when i… but now, no, now is actually the worst time to be. this present moment right here is not good enough. i don’t want to inhabit it. i want any other life than this one. i just want to opt out. and yet, here i am.
sam harris always says in his waking up app– what if this is it? well, guess what. this IS it. this is all there is. this moment, right now, of being human, can i let it be enough?